I take my job as a criminal defense lawyer very seriously but sometimes it’s fun to “poke” at your own profession a little bit. It’s well-known that a good laugh is good for one’s health and having a sense of humor about things can make life a little easier.
So here are some fun, clean lawyer jokes to help lighten your day.
If a lawyer is talking in the forest, and no one is around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? – Lipstick.
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, “I saw the whole thing. I’ll take either side.”
What do you call a lawyer gone bad? – A Senator.
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions!”
“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? – A lawyer can earn frequent flyer miles.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? – Three. One to climb the ladder, one lawyer to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? – Ask them to say “Fees!”
How does a lawyer sleep? – First she lies on one side and then she lies on the other.
“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”
As a Washington State criminal defense attorney, I often meet with clients after they have been arrested and charged with a crime and more often than not, they have said too much to the arresting officer, which in turn can make their case more challenging. As a defense attorney I am on my clients side and I want my clients to save themselves, thus I always advise my clients to be respectful to police but not to talk to police, keep quiet, and here are the reasons why:
5 Big Reasons NOT To Talk To Cops
1. Talking to the police will not convince them of your innocence. Some people think that if they tell the officers they are not guilty of a crime that the officer will believe their story and let them go. Wrong, that does not happen, the officer already has some reasonable cause for thinking you have committed a crime and sharing your side of the story will only lead to serious risks of saying incriminating statements. For example; “Officer I’m not drunk, I only had a few drinks with food and that was hours ago, I’m fine, I was driving safely .” That individual just told the officer that they consumed alcohol and now “I only had a few drinks” will be used against the individual during the prosecution of their DUI charge. Talking will not set you free!
2. Remaining silent does not mean you are guilty. Often people believe that not talking to law enforcement means they are admitting they are guilty. False, by not talking does not mean you are guilty, it just means you have chosen to exercise your constitutional right to remain silent. You have the right to remain silent!
3. There is no benefit from admitting your guilt. Confessing your guilt of a crime to a police officer has no benefit. In fact an individual who confesses their crime to an officer will face a longer and harsher sentence than an individual who did not confess guilt and let their criminal defense attorney do the talking for them. It is much more difficult for a defense attorney to negotiate a plea bargain for an individual that has confessed to an officer of their guilt. Again, it is in a person’s best interest to remain quiet.
4. Cops embellish and exaggerate. Unfortunately, cops don’t write their police reports from an unbiased perspective, they write their reports from their own perspective. And more often than not, cops will embellish or exaggerate their reports to make themselves and their arrest appear more legitimate, which in turn makes the accused appear more guilty. For example; if a person arrested for domestic violence tells a cop, “I accidentally knocked over the table lamp.” the cop could embellish that statement in his report by writing “when I walked into the house I observed broken glass all over the floor, of which the outraged perpetrator admitted he smashed the table lamp on the ground” which paints a much more aggressive picture than what was originally said. In a police report, the cop will look like the good guy and the person charged with a crime will look like the bad guy. If you don’t talk, a cop cannot exaggerate on your statements.
5. The more times you tell a story, the harder it becomes to tell it the same. It is nearly impossible to retell a story exactly how you told it the first time, even if it is the truth. The more times you tell a story the more versions you create. If you told your story to the arresting officer you better bet the officer wrote down what you said in their police report. Now imagine your case has gone to trial where you will have to tell your story again, but under stress, in front of an audience, and with a lot of serious consequences on the line, it would be very tough to tell your story exactly how you told the arresting officer. And once you deviate from your original story, the prosecuting attorney will attack, trying to discredit you and make you look like a liar. Thus the moral of story telling is save your story for your criminal defense attorney, let your attorney talk for you, and don’t talk to cops!
This blog was inspired by the November 2014 Issue of Washington Criminal Defense, article entitled, “Top 10 reasons why you should never talk to cops!” written by Wade S. Samuelson and Professor James J. Duane.
Yesterday on June 27th, Seattle Reign Soccer player Hope Solo, released apology statements concerning her recent arrest for assaulting her sister and her nephew (her sister’s son). Her Facebook and Twitter accounts read, “I love my family dearly. We, like all families, have our challenges but my sincere hope is that we are able to resolve this situation as a family,” she said. “Adversity has always made us stronger and I know this situation will be no different.”
The Seattle Soccer goal keeper was arrested and charged with two counts of fourth-degree domestic violence last weekend when she allegedly hit both her nephew and sister during a heated argument at a family function. According to reports, Solo had been drinking when she arrived at her sister’s house located in Kirkland Washington. Apparently, Solo became very angry when she was talking with her 17-year-old nephew about his acting career and aspirations, she lashed out and started criticizing him by calling him fat and crazy. Solo’s sister tried to dissipate the situation and that’s when Auntie Hope punched her sister in the face. Next the teenage boy came to his mother’s aid and grabbed a broom and smashed it over Solo’s head. The altercation ended with the nephew pointing his BB gun at his Aunt Solo telling her to get out of their house.
“Hope is not guilty of a crime,” stated her criminal defense attorney. “In fact, our investigation reveals that Hope was assaulted and injured during this unfortunate incident. We look forward to the opportunity to present the true facts in court and to having this matter behind Hope very soon,” shared her defense attorney in an email he had written to The Associated Press.
The 32-year-old star soccer player pled not guilty to the domestic violence charges on Monday in the Kirkland Municipal Court, as she feels she was the victim in this altercation.
The two-time Olympic gold soccer gold medalist is scheduled for her second court appearance on August 11, 2014.
Here is Hope Solo’s Facebook apology in its entirety, “I would like to apologize to my fans, teammates, coaches, marketing partners and the entire US Soccer and Seattle Reign FC communities for my involvement in a highly unfortunate incident this past weekend. I understand that, as a public figure, I am held to a higher standard of conduct. I take seriously my responsibilities as a role model and sincerely apologize to everyone I have disappointed.
I love my family dearly. We, like all families, have our challenges but my sincere hope is that we are able to resolve this situation as a family. Adversity has always made us stronger and I know this situation will be no different.
I also would like to thank everyone who has reached out with messages of support and encouragement. I truly appreciate your loyalty, concern and well wishes.
Due to pending legal issues, I cannot comment further at this time. However, I am confident in the legal process and believe my name will be cleared.
I look forward to getting back on the field where I belong with both Seattle Reign FC and the US Women’s National Team.”